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Friday, 27 July 2012

50 Shades of Grey Chapter 11 - 50 Shades of ABSOLUTE BOREDOM

Chapter 11 In Brief 

Woman discovers e-mail.

Chapter 11 - My View 

OH FUCK OFF 50 SHADES. PLEASE. JUST. FUCK. OFF.

OK...so as you will have noticed, there have been 1 or 2 moments in the previous chapters that have made me slam my whole fist or head into the keyboard. Luckily I have very good aim so I am still able to type sentences with my face. This skill has come in very handy so far.

There have been some pretty preposterous moments in the book so far. Remember when Christian swooped in like Batfink to save Ana from José? Remember when Ana wasn't all that bothered about being bought underwear that fit her perfectly? Remember when Ana didn't know what a computer was? Chapter 11 manages to outdo ALL of those moments and when I was making notes on this chapter (yes...I do make notes) I actually scratched through the paper with outrage and anger on a couple of occasions. If the book continues to be so bloody silly, I think that I will have to resort to injecting Ketamine into my eyes before Chapter 13. Unlucky for some.

Chapter 11 is pretty much split into 2 sections. The second section features Ana fannying around. We'll come to that later. The first half is taken up with the contract. Not small snippets. The actual, full blown contract that Christian wants Ana to sign. It is about 20 pages long.

Chances are, you have never read the term and conditions for iTunes. I bet you've also never read the terms and conditions for your bank account or your mortgage. These things directly affect you and your life. If you don't read the terms and conditions, bad things could happen. The contract between Christian and Ana does NOT affect your life in any way. Do you care if Ana is treated badly? No. If anything, you will be wishing bad things on her. For some reason, the ENTIRE FUCKING CONTRACT is included for our my enjoyment. Rather than including the ENTIRE FUCKING CONTRACT, surely it would have been better to write (remembering that this is Ana speaking) 'I couldn't believe what I'd just read and what he was asking of me. Did he really expect me to...' 

Rather than that sensible approach, the whole thing is written out in tedious detail. I've had to tolerate it, and will do my best to summarise, so don't even think about skipping this part otherwise I will look for you. I will find you...and I will kill you.

The contract looks like it's for Ana's benefit as point 2 goes on about the fact that it's allowing her to explore her sensuality in a safe environment. As a sensual explorer, I hope that Ana remembers to pack some crampons and breathing apparatus for when she goes mountaineering up Christian's volcanic cock. As it's so monolithic, the air can be quite thin at the top...and from what we've seen so far, there is a 100% chance of an eruption.

Point 3 says that if there are to be any additional limits, they have to be agreed in writing. Basically, if Christian whips out some love eggs which haven't been previously mentioned in the paperwork, they will have to fill out a quick bit of paperwork before he can get on with stuffing them inside her like a Christmas Turkey.

Point 4 says 'NO AIDS.' This is why the girl from Darfur was ruthlessly thrown out of the plane in the previous chapter. Along with no AIDS, neither of them can participate in any activity, just in case they get the sniffles...or AIDS. Interestingly, there is no mention of that time of the month where ladies make teabags for vampires. Incidentally, if Twinings started a range of 'Period Tea,' Ana would lap it up. That would combine her 2 very favourite things, Twinings tea and her own blood. Feel free to come back to the blog after you've finished throwing up your dinner. It'll still be here. Also, I don't know why I mentioned periods in the same section as AIDS. I guess to us men, they are both as terrifying as each other.

To give you an idea of what I've had to put up with, here is just a snippet of point 5: 

'Adherance to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this contract.' 

20 pages of that. 20. Pages. Now do you see why this book is breaking my spirit?

Point 7 confirms that the Dominant can do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. If he fails to do whatever he wants, the Submissive can leave him. I don't know about you, but this seems awfully skewed in favour of the Dominant. I appreciate that he is going to take charge and be a fussy old nincompoop for the entire time they're together, but Ana is pretty much going to sign a contract with no possible exit route.

The contract is only for 3 months, at which point they can renegotiate. If the previous negotiations are anything to go by, Christian will get exactly what he wants and Ana will manage to get Christian to stop fire-fisting her and will see that as an absolute triumph. I imagine that over the 3 month period, Christian will manage to get Ana ready for sale so that she can take pretty much any punishment that is being dished out as well as learning how to wax her vagina. Just to clarify, fire-fisting is not a real thing...apart from when Ken does a Hadouken in Street Fighter 2.

Point 12 says that Christian and Ana will only see each other from Friday night until Sunday afternoon, but further time can be agreed. Think of it as going back to school for extra classes, but instead of English Lit, they'll be learning about clit. That is the stupidest thing I have ever written.

Point 15 states that no actions will be undertaken which could cause serious injury or any risk to life. It doesn't specify what a serious injury is...but as anal fisting is mentioned later on, it's safe to assume that a bleeding, decimated asshole is deemed to be a minor injury which Ana should embrace with a smile.

It is here that the contract starts to get even more tedious as we get into sub-clauses. For example, sub-clause 15.2 states that Christian will own her and treat her like he's playing The Sims with a real person. Just like The Sims, Ana should expect to be played with non-stop for a few days before Christian realises that it's all completely pointless and he just leaves her alone in a room forever.

15.5 tells us that he can beat her for any reason he sees fit. As he does act a bit like a pirate at times, Ana can expect to be flogged on occasions She can also expect to get scurvy on a regular basis and do some roleplay where Christian dresses up as Seaman Stains. Later on, we are told that he can also chain her up for an extended period of time. Again, this is not specified. Think of The Sims Ana....actually, I don't know why I'm writing that. Ana doesn't even know what a computer is, so to expect her to know the name of a specific game is pointless. Almost as pointless as addressing a fictional character.

As the Submissive, she has to adhere to certain behaviours laid out by Christian. These include going on the pill, no touching him, accepting him as her master and no touching herself for sexual pleasure. It then gets weird.

During the relationship, Ana is not allowed to look into his eyes. I assume this is because EL James was running out of ways to describe how intense his grey eyes are. This is the first part of the contract that I agree with. I was hoping that there would also be a clause where Ana is no longer allowed to bite her lip. Sadly there isn't. However, there is a bit where Ana is to call Christian 'Sir,' 'Mr Grey' or any other name that he decides on. The contract reads like an application for the shittiest job ever. The sort of job where you turn up for work and have someone standing beside you all day, shouting

'YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT YOU LITTLE TIT. YOU REALLY ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS'

This is also known as 'working at McDonalds.' Christian is clearly just preparing Ana for her future career.

Finally, there are some safewords. Ana has to say 'yellow' if she's nearing her pain threshold and 'red' if she's reached her limit. To expand her vocabulary, if she signs up for another 3 months, Christian will teach her the words 'cat' and 'man.' Over time, Ana will learn to use her mouth for something other than chewing.

Thank goodness that is over.

Oh wait...there's more...

After the contract comes Appendix 1, 2 and 3. I wish I was joking. Appendices 1 and 2 are just directly copied from earlier in the book. Appendix 1 is the eating, drinking, sleeping bit Appendix 2 is the one about no fucking children or electricity. Appendix 3 covers the soft limits. This does include bum fisting. I'm a little confused as to how Ana is expected to know which are acceptable to her as the Appendix includes words she's never heard before. Words like masturbation.

Slightly off topic, but here's something that I found interesting. On the Kindle, it is possible to highlight certain sections. According to Amazon, 

'Popular Highlights help readers focus on passages that are meaningful to the greatest number of people.' 

With that in mind, here's a picture of a 'popular highlight' along with the number of people who have highlighted it so far.
Fella-what?
FOUR HUNDRED AND ELEVEN PEOPLE have highlighted the word fellatio. Presumably they all thought that it was a type of pasta and wondered why it was featuring just above popping your hand up somebodies bottom. If you were ever unsure about the type of person who reads 50 Shades...here is your answer.

Following the list of soft limits is a questionnaire which covers things like swallowing, bondage and sex toys. There are also some awkwardly worded questions about pain, which ask how much pain Ana wants to receive (Christian will ensure that it is a 5 - severe) and her general attitude to pain (Christian will ensure that it is a 1 - likes intensely.)

Finally it is all over...but we are only halfway through the chapter.

Before I go on, there are a few things...

OK, so this is a contract. A sex contract. A VERY detailed sex contract. Who the hell has drawn this contract up? It is not a legally binding contract and no lawyer in the world would have anything to do with this. If I went to a lawyer and told him that I'd like a contract between myself and a small African boy who I want to work for me for free, he would probably suggest that it's not a very good idea. That is basically what this contract is asking, substituting 'Ana' for 'small African boy' and 'sex' for 'work...and sex.' The contract means NOTHING. It's just some words. What would happen if Ana were to walk away? Apart from getting away from Christian, NOTHING. It'll be interesting to see how many times Christian threatens Ana with the contract. I'm guessing at least once a chapter.

Having read the whole document, Ana is slightly taken aback, getting a bit confused about what is expected from her. Despite all of the utter bullshit in the contract, she takes umbrage with seeing Christian every weekend, wanting more time to see Kate or some make believe friends from a job that she's not yet got. The fact that she has to invent friends to get out of seeing Christian is a pretty clear sign that maybe this is not a healthy relationship. However, this is Ana we're talking about. She thinks about his pretty eyes and gushes, flooding the room. It's good to know that Ana has her priorities sorted out so that lovely eyes which she's not even allowed to look into are more important than having some self-respect.

For Ana, this is all a bit too much to take and she thinks about  José's other catchphrase. Surprisingly, his second catchphrase isn't 'HOLD STILL, IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON' No no...his other catchphrase is ' real mindfuck.' Ana acts like José is the only person on the planet who has ever said mindfuck. I am going to commandeer the word 'the' as my new catchphrase. Whenever you say 'the' from now on, smile to yourself and think 'oh, that's one of Dave's catchphrases.' I can't help thinking that Ana has just misheard José. He's not been saying 'real mindfuck,' he's been saying 'Do you really mind if I fuck you?'

Falling asleep, Ana has another dream about her day, featuring beds and eyes...or beds with eyes. That would be a more believable dream.

The next day, she wakes up 8am to find Kate pestering her. A package has arrived for her from Christian and Ana needs to sign for it. Keep in mind that this is 8am Monday morning. She left Christian at 5pm on the Sunday. I don't know which courier company Christian uses, but they are extraordinarily efficient. The box is big, so it could be a lifesize replica of Christian's penis which Ana has to treat like a deity and bow down to each day.

A generic man tells Ana that he has to set up whatever is in the package + show her how to use it. Hmm...could still be a penis... Of course it's not a penis!! It's a MacBook Pro. Not just any MacBook Pro, but the very latest one...one that hasn't even come out in the shops yet. Quite how Christian has managed to get hold of this is anyone's guess. I don't doubt that GEHI is an influential company...but would Apple really let a man give a brand new product away to some stupid girl who won't even appreciate it? To prove my point, the generic man reels off some details about the spec of the computer while Ana compares the laptop to Castle Greyskull. He then asks her what she'll be using it for. 'Uh...e-mail.' she tells him, at which point zombie Steve Jobs jumps out of his grave, runs to Ana's house, kicks her in the cunt then runs back to the cemetery.

Generic man then sets up an e-mail address for Ana. Her response: 

'I have an e-mail address?' 

WHAT?

So, we are to believe that before this point, Ana did not have an e-mail address? How on earth has she survived in this world? EVERYONE has an e-mail address. Everyone. To suggest that before this moment, a 22 year old college student did not have an e-mail address is borderline idiotic. Even if I'm misreading it and she did have an e-mail address before, why does she react like getting an e-mail address is as magical as receiving the keys to the Emerald City? Generic man then says more words, but to Ana, who is just a stupid girl, 'it's like white noise.' As a guy, I do love gadgets and I know that not all women are bothered by them. However...I refuse to believe that any woman (especially a 22 year old woman) is SO dumb that she wouldn't know the basics of how to operate a computer. I'm so angry that I'm going to send Ana the Nigerian Prince e-mail. She's so dumb, she'll definitely fall for it...and I will be rich! Take that Ana, you twat!

Turning the computer on, Ana sees that she already has an e-mail from Christian. They indulge in some monotonous flirting based around the fact that Ana does not want the computer as a gift. Christian is once again not working (apart from on Ana) as he replies within a matter of minutes. Despite the relatively boring tone of his e-mails, Ana thinks he's being all flirty and playful.

At work, a few hours later, Ana receives a call from José at 11 on the dot, arranging to meet her at 12. At 12'o'clock exactly, he comes into the store. He is described as looking like a puppy. Although puppies are cute, they can bite...or shit on the floor, so Ana does need to be a bit careful around him, especially as last time she saw him, he was trying to make her deepthroat his tongue. Rather than take my sensible advice, Ana acts like a total cocktease, first hugging him and then slipping her arm through his as they walk to get some coffee. If anyone does deserve to get mercilessly raped, it's Ana. Poor José was told that Ana sees him as a friend...but maybe it would have been a better idea to leave the hugging and arm holding for another time? José is going to get all confused now about how much of his cock (if any) Ana wants.

Following their date meeting, Ana goes home and checks her e-mails. Obviously, there is 1 from Christian, asking her how her day was. It's this level of playful interaction that really makes this romance believable. There are about 4 pages of e-mails. Interestingly, there seems to be more chemistry in the e-mails than when Ana and Christian are together.

She then 'fires up' Google. QUICK! GET GENERIC MAN BACK! For some reason, Ana has got all confused and is treating Google like a steam train. Ana, all you need to do is click on the 'Safari' button, you don't need to spend hours stoking the fires and shoveling coal before you get online. Idiot.

After managing to get online, she goes to the one website where you are guaranteed factual information. The one place that is revered for it's accuracy. That's right, she goes straight to Wikipedia. As she's reading about submissives, she gets moist, falls off the chair and decides that she needs to get out and have a think. I've not yet read Chapter 12, but I think we all know what her decision is going to be. Does this mean I can skip Chapter 12?

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10 comments:

  1. any blog that has the words..nincompoop, teabags for vampires and decimanated arsehole in it has my vote..I read the book, it was utter poop, sorry to state the bleedin' obvious

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  2. I have to be honest... as freaking hilarious as it is, I can't quite bring myself to beleive half the things you're writing in this blog xD The happy, fluffy little optimistic puppy side of my brain keeps saying "there's no way something this bad could ever be published! Surely he must be exaggerating for the lulz!" And then you posted that screen shot of the book, Dave. And you kicked my proverbial puppy. You kicked him right in his optimistic little puppy nuts. I hope you're proud of yourself. Keep up the funny! xD

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  3. Agree with the above comment. I totally thought you were exaggerating the "fisting" but apparently not - thanks for the screen shot. I am fairly confident the vast majority of women would not sign a sex contract that allowed some bloke to fist their ass....and how is this book so bloody popular? At least sexy Novels have taste and less boring shit

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  4. Funniest.Blog.Ever. Just discovered that plans are in place to make a Fifty Shades movie, that should be fucking riveting! Looking for a female lead now; successful applicants should not speak or eat much, have the ability to bit own lip and be open to the idea of anal fisting. Incidentally, this is also my ad for Match.com lol.

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  5. Thanks for some very amusing sanity, I have to put up with the 'yummie mummies'; ie mothers who dont work and drop their little darlings off at school in their gym kit, email constantly on their smart phones about napkins and Nigel Slater recipes on cc all, who think this book is good and a bit 'racy' in their book club, one of who didn't want to read it for said reason.

    I hope you finish the book soon, I am gripped by your version of what happens next!

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  6. I found a typo in this chapter!! With "the contract" she didn't copy it exactly from the start of the book...the number of hours she has to sleep changed. I feel a complete nerd for writing this but felt compelled to do so, ha ha x

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    1. YOU'RE RIGHT!! Wow...give yourself a gold star and a hi-five! If there are any other inconsistencies (I'm sure there are) then let me know. I can't be bothered to do it myself...

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  7. Oh my goodness you have me laughing so hard right now!! love it!

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  8. Don't be so hard on yourself, the lit/clit remark is not the stupidest thing you have ever written, I am sure. Maybe the publisher said this book is too short, we need another twenty pages and James obliged with the contract. I looked up twat on Wikipedia but Google disappeared up its own exhaust pipe. Perhaps it was fisting itself. Another Dave I know accidentally wrote Uncanny Twats in the same sentence which I then suggested as a band name to my 18 year old son. I got called the coolest mother ever. Not by him, obviously.

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  9. I wish robert pettinson would cast as christian... and am also excited to see this book on reel.
    Fifty Shades Of Grey Movie

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